So what to write about tonight. Well, my ex is here to visit the kids. I’m always so frustrated when it comes to how I feel about him. A large part of me is still angry at him and myself. I want to scream when I think of all the negativity there was in our marriage. I want to reach out and grasp the good that there was (not much!). But…But….. There are times like tonight when I think that perhaps I should reach out to him. Ask him to try again. But why would I want to do this to myself? I know I wasn’t happy. I hadn’t been happy since that first few months of marriage. There were good times, but so, so many not good times. I had children with him because I felt like it was my only opportunity to ever have kids. Bad. I finally had enough and walked away. So why do I have the urge to go back?
We come from such different worlds. I wonder why we ever thought that it could work. I’m not willing to give up my beliefs and he’s not willing to give up his. Not that we have to “give” them up but, you know, there is a certain amount of giving and compromising when trying to blend two different cultures. One or both has to be willing. I thought I was willing but maybe not. I know that part of this is a desire to not be so lonely and starved for a relationship. Sometimes I feel that I will never be with anyone. I hate it! I make foolish decisions when I’m this way. Not the time to be out socializing. That should wait til I’m in a more confident place. Since I conveniently cycle through that I know it will only be a matter of time.
Maybe I should inventory what it is I’m searching for in a person. What I need to do for myself to be a good match for someone. Sigh.
I wrote the above while I was at work on December 30th. I thought about deleting it, but I want to write what I’m feeling. When I went home the next morning it was quickly evident to me why I left! He’s such a selfish bastard!
I slept most of the day but when I did get up he was telling me that he was going to go to the city to visit his friend. This is a 2 hour drive, he was going to stay overnight and come back for one more day. I couldn’t believe him! He drove NINE hours to see his kids then he wants to ditch them for a night to go play with his friend? Screw that! I told him that was completely unacceptable. I told him that his kids should be his priority on these weekends and not his social life. I believe I told him he was selfish.
Then I facebooked about it. Hmm, is facebooked a word? It is now, lol. At any rate, I have members of his family and his American sister-in-law on my friends list. Mostly so they can see pics of the girls, etc. I think one of them texted him and told him I was talking smack. He asked me if I was putting stuff about him on facebook. I just said “yep.” And left it at that.
I went to see my psychiatric NP yesterday and she asked if he was married yet. I said no. She said her wish for me is that he would get married, have sons and leave us alone! Talk about validation!
So I’m alone. My social life is almost nonexistent, consists of work and the little bit of adult interaction at events for the girls. I keep telling myself that when they get older I will have time for that. My mom always said she wanted to raise us to be independent and take care of ourselves. She said I embraced that independence more firmly and maybe that’s why it’s hard to share my life with anyone.
Last, and definitely not least……is there anybody out there? Not one comment on here lately and leads me to wonder if anyone is even reading me anymore. I think facebook and twitter have put a crimp in blogging.