I Honestly Didn’t See This Coming

It’s no secret that I miss quite a bit of work.  Usually due to my children’s illnesses or my own if bad enough.  I’ve always walked a fine line in the discipline process in regards to absenteeism.  What I never thought would happen is that I would lose my job because of it.  But I did.

I worked Sunday night, my first night back after an awesome 2 week vacation with the girls.  I had an email that I needed to see my manager about attendance.  I had called out the beginning of May.  However, I assumed that one of the absences fell off so I would be okay.  Also, this particular hospital counts a failure to punch in or late punch in as a tardy and 3 tardies equal one absence.  I had also forgot to write one of my shifts on my calendar so was late BY 10 MINUTES.  I already had 2 tardies for a late punch but I am never late to work, usually there 30-40 minutes early…….get to gabbing a few times and forgot to punch in time.  Because of this I no longer have a job.

I am devastated!  I met with my manager, assistant manager and a woman from HR.  I asked if there was some sort of discipline process we could work out so that I wouldn’t be terminated.  They had absolutely no interest in working anything out. 

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Goals

It’s a new year, time to set goals for your life through the next 12 months.  Last year, I achieved one of my goals which was to exercise on my days off and to lose 20 pounds by June.  My 25 yr. high school reunion was in June.  I actually lost 25 pounds by then by decreasing quantities of food and walking as fast as I can go for 3 miles.

This year I hope to lose at least another 20 pounds.  I’m desperate to have a healthier body and to decrease my risk for diabetes and high blood pressure!

Another goal is to set a budget and stick to it!  I got slammed so bad with the state taxes I owed and I’m paying the price now.  Now with all the orthodontic work A. needs I’ll have to crack down more.  I also want to take a road trip with the kids this summer so need to save some dollars for that as well!

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Work and a blessing?

Work last night was chaos!  We had so many admits, almost at once it seemed.  Another patient was trying to circle the drain.  I had one that was at the end of her life.  That’s what I want to make a comment on.

She suffered.  Prolonged illness and her body was tired.  We did what we could to make her comfortable.  Halfway through my shift she passed.  Her family was so awesome!  What just floored me, though, was that at the same time she went, a baby was born in OB.  I’ve heard it said when one life leaves another takes it place.  I see miracles like this frequently with my career.  There are days I wonder why I ever chose nursing but when things like this happen I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Time is short, count your blessings and embrace them daily!

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So what to write about tonight. Well, my ex is here to visit the kids. I’m always so frustrated when it comes to how I feel about him. A large part of me is still angry at him and myself. I want to scream when I think of all the negativity there was in our marriage. I want to reach out and grasp the good that there was (not much!). But…But…..

There are times like tonight when I think that perhaps I should reach out to him. Ask him to try again. But why would I want to do this to myself? I know I wasn’t happy. I hadn’t been happy since that first few months of marriage. There were good times, but so, so many not good times. I had children with him because I felt like it was my only opportunity to ever have kids. Bad. I finally had enough and walked away. So why do I have the urge to go back?

We come from such different worlds. I wonder why we ever thought that it could work. I’m not willing to give up my beliefs and he’s not willing to give up his. Not that we have to “give” them up but, you know, there is a certain amount of giving and compromising when trying to blend two different cultures. One or both has to be willing. I thought I was willing but maybe not.

I know that part of this is a desire to not be so lonely and starved for a relationship. Sometimes I feel that I will never be with anyone. I hate it! I make foolish decisions when I’m this way. Not the time to be out socializing. That should wait til I’m in a more confident place. Since I conveniently cycle through that I know it will only be a matter of time.

Maybe I should inventory what it is I’m searching for in a person. What I need to do for myself to be a good match for someone. Sigh.

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I wrote the above while I was at work on December 30th.  I thought about deleting it, but I want to write what I’m feeling.  When I went home the next morning it was quickly evident to me why I left!  He’s such a selfish bastard!

I slept most of the day but when I did get up he was telling me that he was going to go to the city to visit his friend.  This is a 2 hour drive, he was going to stay overnight and come back for one more day.  I couldn’t believe him!  He drove NINE hours to see his kids then he wants to ditch them for a night to go play with his friend?  Screw that!  I told him that was completely unacceptable.  I told him that his kids should be his priority on these weekends and not his social life.  I believe I told him he was selfish.

Then I facebooked about it.  Hmm, is facebooked a word?  It is now, lol.  At any rate, I have members of his family and his American sister-in-law on my friends list.  Mostly so they can see pics of the girls, etc.  I think one of them texted him and told him I was talking smack.  He asked me if I was putting stuff about him on facebook.  I just said “yep.”  And left it at that.

I went to see my psychiatric NP yesterday and she asked if he was married yet.  I said no.  She said her wish for me is that he would get married, have sons and leave us alone!  Talk about validation!

So I’m alone.  My social life is almost nonexistent, consists of work and the little bit of adult interaction at events for the girls.  I keep telling myself that when they get older I will have time for that.  My mom always said she wanted to raise us to be independent and take care of ourselves.  She said I embraced that independence more firmly and maybe that’s why it’s hard to share my life with anyone.

Last, and definitely not least……is there anybody out there?  Not one comment on here lately and leads me to wonder if anyone is even reading me anymore.  I think facebook and twitter have put a crimp in blogging.

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My first husban…

My first husband I met in high school.  My oldest brother was married to his sister and that’s how we got to know each other.  He was a prom date (I was desperate to go!) and we clicked.  We were together for 5 years.  We were married for the last 9 months of our relationship.

He is an alcoholic and that is what destroyed our marriage.  The disease for him was stronger than our love.  I left but didn’t quit caring about him.  He was/is a different person when he drinks and isn’t nice to be around when he is drinking.

His oldest brother is a doctor on a reservation here in Minnesota.  He tries to be a support for S.  It isn’t easy, I’m sure.  S. got married after our divorce and had two kids.  He was so deep into his alcoholism it destroyed that marriage as well.  His wife got full custody of the kids and changed their last name to her maiden name.  Apparently the kids have had no contact with their father because their were conditions to his visitation that he could never meet. His son has contacted his brother and his brother wrote an open letter to him.  My heart breaks for this son.  I’m sure it’s been difficult.  But I’m also glad that we didn’t have kids and that I don’t have to deal with that damage.  I hope that his son finds the answers he needs.  I hope that S. gets a grip but at this point I doubt he will be able to so.

http://indiancountrynews.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=12544&Itemid=1

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Christmas time!

The Christmas holiday is behind us.  We had a very nice celebration with family.  I worked the night before so came home, changed and we went to my parent’s house.  The girl’s were over the moon about all their gifts, we did good!  Aliyah had a little hitch.  For some reason she froze and was super worried about us watching her open gifts.  Not sure where it came from but it had something to do with my (adult) nephews being there.  Thinking maybe there’s a little crush on her cousin, lol.  She got over it after awhile and did manage to open gifts.  Don’t know what gets into her head sometimes.  She was the same way at her birthday!

We ate to excess as usual!  It was a gourmet breakfast and dinner.  Mom made baked eggs, bacon, hash brown potatoes, and almond bread.  We had mimosa’s to drink along with coffee.  Then at dinner my brother had roasted a prime rib (YUM), we had baked potatoes, green beans, lefse, fruit ambosia, wild rice pilaf.  There was berry or pecan pie for dessert.  I felt like I wouldn’t need to eat for a week after all that!

I’m still struggling with my depression and anxiety.  My parents are helping me out financially but still really in the red and will be for awhile.  I do wish the anxiety would go down several notches.  It’s very hard to function and concentrate when this happens to me.  Not a good thing in my line of work!  If I take my anxiolytic then it also interferes with problem solving and memory.  Very frustrating and I can’t very well tell coworkers I won’t be able to work through the issues that come up!  Nurses are the WORST at judging people with psychiatric conditions.  I confess that I do my own fair share of it.  Nothing brings out the whacky like being in a hospital bed!  So I don’t say much about the anxiety.  Mostly just say I have depression issues.  I keep plugging ahead.

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Helllllppppp!

I apparently have some seasonal depression going on.  I hate how lonely I am!  It’s so hard to get a babysitter and go out.  My mom already does way more than she should for me.  If I get a sitter then I have to get them home……if it’s late and the girls are asleep then what?  I feel isolated at work, too.  I feel as though I’m just not part of the crowd.  The others text, go out, etc.  I have not once been able to meet up with them (they’ve never asked me) and other than texts that are work related I don’t get any.  Most of them live in Brainerd which is 30 miles away so also another barrier for me.

Financially I’m devastated.  State taxes didn’t get taken out of the money I withdrew from a retirement account so I owe over 2K in taxes which are now going to be levied out of my paycheck.  I have 3K in medical bills for Layla.  I’m barely making it, I have no savings to speak of and struggle to pay the rent, utilities, etc.

Life sucks.  It’s a double edged sword for me.  I love Christmas and all the glitz and glitter but I always seem to get really down.  I’m hanging on by a thread and glad I have the responsibility of my kids to keep me going.

 

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